Even the most avid, voracious reader has experienced a reading slump. You know the feeling. Whether it's the result of a vicious book hangover, crazy work hours, or seasonal depression, many (if not all) of us have experienced that sinking sense that comes with picking up book after book and putting them all down before reaching the end of chapter 2. It's a frustrating feeling and, for me, it typically signals a down swing in my overall mental health.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression for my entire adult life and I have slowly learned to recognize and cope with it better but it's a long, ongoing process. In the last few years I realized that my reading slumps directly correspond with bouts of heightened anxiety and depression. I still haven't quite figured out if the lack of reading is what causes the anxiety or vise versa (though I suspect it's the latter) but after trying to start 4 or 5 books and failing, I can expect that the next couple weeks are going to be ROUGH.
I recently went through one of these periods. I finished The Book Thief by Markus Zusak and felt I needed something COMPETE LY different so I read A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. And after finishing Hawking's book, I couldn't seem to read anything else. You'd think it would have been The Book Thief that destroyed me for weeks afterward, I did ugly cry when I finished it after all, but no. It was finally having Astrophysics and the great questions of the universe explained in a straight-forward yet tongue-in-cheek hilarious way by one of the most brilliant men of our time.
A Brief History of Time is a truly amazing book. I never took Physics and trying to read about it usually puts me in a haze. I attempted Astrophysics for People in a Hurry by Neil Degrasse Tyson a few months prior and couldn't begin to tell you what it was about. But, A Brief History of Time is delivered with a level of clarity that others sadly lack. It is written as though Stephen Hawking is speaking directly to you and reads like a one on one conversation full of self deprecation balanced with plenty of (perfectly warranted) personal emulation on Hawking's part. It's a lovely book and after finishing it, nothing has seemed to measure up.
I went 2 weeks without reading a book. While blissfully short in the grand scheme of reading slumps, it feels like an eternity when you're home with a baby all day, everyday with no chance for the brief escape you've come to depend on for mental stability. It ended one night at 3:30am when I quietly crept to the bathroom and had an anxiety attack. Laying on the bathroom floor with my eyes and nose running uncontrollably, gasping for air and naming whatever I see (toilet, sink, rug, mirror, shower) to try to ground myself and slow the irrational feeling of impending doom, the dark cloud was finally able to dissipate. I cleaned myself up, crawled back into bed and lay awake reading, and finishing, A Darker Shade of Magic by V. E. Schwab.
I finally fell asleep at 8:30am and when I was awoken by my 9 month old 2 hours later, my whole body ached, except my head. The headache that I had stopped noticing was finally gone. The healing had begun.
It's such a quick turn around and it causes people, myself included, to want to shrug it off. "I was being silly. I was overreacting. I was acting crazy." But this cycle is never ending and those weeks are disruptive to my life. They have tanked me in college and lead me down some dangerous roads in my early 20's. I'm lucky enough to be the happiest I've ever been in my life. I live in the city of my dreams with the man I never dared dream existed and the beautiful child I never thought I'd have. Life is good but the anxiety follows me into the happiest of places. That is mental illness. It is something I will always have to live with and, while it does get a bit easier, it's never easy and, like the flu, it seems to constantly find new ways to attack you.
I have learned to recognize my reading slumps as an indicator of dark days ahead but it took me YEARS to make this connection. Finding early red flags has helped me get ahead of the spiral so I can reach out to people and try to let those closest to me know that things are going to get rocky and to just stick with me because "this too shall pass".
Does this apply to other people as well? Have you noticed other early warning sings of declining mental health? And what are some tools you have found that help you cope through tough times? Please drop a comment. Stay healthy, practice self-care, and remember, you are not alone.
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